Rotation

Night.

Consider for a moment you are a worm. That’s right. A three inch, pink, squirmy mass of muscle and veins. Your only sense is that of touch. What is your world like? What is it like to live in darkness and to be completely unaware that you are missing out on something more. Does one give the worm sight to see what it is missing? Would the worm even comprehend what it is seeing? Or would it’s mind melt away in an instant when it first open its eyes?

Dawn

Breakfast as usual. Eggs over easy, burn toast, and spilt milk. I didn’t cry of course. I don’t cry at all in fact. Unlike most I have no emotion. I have be likened to an android in my absence of these basic human attributes. Some would say I’m not human at all. Others would call me a psychopath. However I have no intention of harming anybody. I have no interest in other people at all. I live in seclusion and only have to worry about myself and my work. The only human interaction I do have is with my stockbroker and that is only through text messaging. I grow my own food, generate electricity through various renewable energies, and order resources that I cannot create myself through the internet. Though I am alone I do not feel loneliness. If you excuse me I have to go for a jog.

Twilight 

Jogging in the dark is what I do for exercise, I don’t fear the dark, and being outside is healthy for people. Though I lack emotions there are still deep seeded animalistic tendencies within me. However since I do not fear darkness If I wasn’t cautious I would be more susceptible to an attack by a wild animal lunging out of the woods at me. That is why I hypothesize that humans evolved emotions to help them survive. Other examples are love for procreation; anger for hunting; happiness for positive reinforcement; etc.

Sunrise

I want to know what emotions feel like. I feel pain, but not in an emotional sense. However to me it’s just as a reaction to outside stimuli that is harmful to my well being. But I want to. I have studied my brain and those of normal humans to figure out what I am missing. I think I can finally cure myself. Animal testing has been successful. Ninety-nine out of one hundred experiments in my final test have resulted in the desired effect. The one that did not does not bother me, the odds are good enough for me. I do not fear death, nor do I have a reason for living. 

Day

The process of the emotion infusion is quite simple. First I must shave my head in order to easily locate and mark where I shall drill holes to my brain. In the holes I will place conduits that will stimulate dormant pathways in my brain which control emotions. To prevent myself from accidentally falling out of my chair I am strapped to it with leather straps, which open with a verbal command. I am plugged in. I use anesthetic to put my out. Whether I wake up or not determines the success of the process.

I cannot see, but I feel. This feeling however is not just physical, is it emotional?! I feel the hair on my arms start to stand up. I can hear my heart pumping. I start to convulse, rapidly. I can only breathe in deep gasping breaths. It’s like I’m drowning in my own body. Drowning in my mind. Drowning in thoughts. Memories that haven’t seen the light of day for years are now being remembered as if they happened a few minutes ago. My train of thought is now running at the speed of light. I feel every cell in my brain. Synapses fire on and off. A collection of ones and zeros. I am a machine. 

I see more with my eyes closed now than I did with my eyes open my whole life. I didn’t give myself emotion. I gave myself so much more. I awakened something deeper, something more important than emotions. I was naive, feeling isn’t what life is about. Life is about being. Experiencing existence through unique eyes. It doesn’t require happiness of sadness, love or hate. It’s about being creative, prosperous, adventurous. Since the beginning of the universe it was all about being. A spark ignited out of nothingness, into being.

Sunset

The train has gone off the rails. No. The train has crashed into a wall, crushed by its own momentum. My memories are fleeting. Flying away like a flock of birds. Rotting away into the darkness, a timelapse of death and decay. Burning papers in a midnight bonfire, whose ashes are lifted into the blackness of the sky. The sun is setting over the horizon. I feel sad to see it leave. This sadness comes not from the sight itself but from my experience with the light. Such a fleeting beauty.  

Dusk

I now understand what it feels like to fear the dark. I stand here in an endless abyss. Wait, no. I do not stand, I just am here. I feel everything and nothing. Nothing is everything. But where is here, if I am here but am nowhere. I feel like I’m floating, not in water, but in feeling. It’s as if I hit my funny bone and my whole body is bubbling and fizzing like a vigorously shaken can of soda. I’m drifting off now. I’m melting. Like the last sliver of ice in the pring stream. Eaten away by the water that was once itself frozen. Such a melancholic death. I am one out one ninety nine. I am the one worm that never woke up. It’s not opening the eyes of a worm that melts it mind, it’s keeping them closed.