Unusual
Dear Recipient of this letter, you have died in the most peculiar way and under the most unusual circumstances. But do not worry we have our best and brightest operatives finding out how you died and how to put you to rest. For you our case unfolds itself in a delta confined linear crunch sequence, which means for you it takes a few minutes to figure out how you kicked the bucket, but for us it takes a few months, that is even if we do solve it.
-Yours truly the United States Supernatural Research Branch, Spirit and Death Division.
We figured out the reason you are trapped in the spectral realm, you didn’t have a burial. That’s not to say you didn’t have a funeral, but your body wasn’t in the coffin. It was a very sad funeral, I was there. But damn if your family doesn’t know how to party. I found more about you and may have some leads as to how you died.
I lost twenty bucks because of your creep boyfriend. I thought he was the one who killed you, some blood ritual or something. But no, it wasn’t him he’s actually pretty cool, just bad style. Damn Gregory called it and I owe the office beers and him twenty bucks. We have a few other choice suspect we are looking into and we’ll let you know how they turn out. HQ thought it’d be a good idea if we signed each of our entries off with our names so you get to know who we are and stuff, really informal, but I don’t mind. Jimmy B. signing out.
Sup, Gregory here. Twenty bucks richer and still at a loss at to how you died. I knew your boyfriend was just a punk from the beginning. However when the team and I searched your house for clues there was soot and ash on some of your clothes in your hamper and some wiccan supplies under your bed, really? We examined the stuff, you were definitely not a real witch, just some edgy teen. I however did find some weed in your toilet tank, rookie hiding place. It’s some good stuff too.
Jimmy A logging on. We think we found your body. I say think because while it looks like you it’s, well it’s made of lettuce. A whole human body with all the correct organs, but just made out of lettuce. I can’t begin to explain it. I’ve scoured the archives and didn’t find anything. I’m just dumbfounded. Jimmy A. logging off.
Lisa here, I’m sorry your dead and stuck in limbo. But mostly sorry that you can’t talk to us. I honestly don’t understand how this spectral realm stuff works, I’m actually a therapist. One of the first to deal with spirits and the supernatural. I guess this is the kind of career you get into when your dad is a paranormal investigator and your mom is a therapist. Enough of me, I was called in today to see if I could, through therapy, help you pass into the afterlife.
Gregory chiming in, Lisa is a bit of a nut. And by a bit I mean the whole nut, shell and all. You cannot therapyize a body out of the spectral realm, it’s a hard science. She only sees you as a means to an end, to test out her hypothesis. You’ll pass on anyway when they burry your cabbage corpse. Right now we are doing an autopsy of it, nasty stuff, I will never eat a salad again.
Jimmy B here, Gregory just went full lettuce. Turns out that weed wasn’t really weed, it’s an underworld synthetic called, and I am not joking, the Devils Lettuce. Apparently it’s the only thing demons and cursed souls can get high from. It’s not an entirely Earth based substance so we think its a hybrid of Earth weed and some extraterrestrial plant, and of course lettuce. Now that we’ve got Greg’s body we’re just going to go ahead and bury your’s.
Jimmy A here, we found the demon who sold you that weed. Apparently since you couldn’t get Earth weed from a dealer you summoned a demon and sold some of your soul for weed. It explains the ashes on your clothes and the wiccan shit. If your family wants you to enter the afterlife they will have to buy your soul back. Despite being 0.001 percent of your soul it’ll cost 5000 usd to buy back, soul is a lot like cryptocurrency if you’ve ever heard of it. Jimmy A logging off.
Thank you recipient for participation. We the United States Supernatural Studies Branch, Spirit and Death Division hope you have a happy afterlife. We are not responsible for any loss in ectoplasm, dimensional dispersal, choosing the wrong religion for the afterlife, or any irreparable damage to your corpse. If you have any questions or complaints poses your nearest USPS mail person and send a letter to P.O. Box 50001 Vector Avenue.
-Yours truly the United States Supernatural Research Branch, Spirit and Death Division.
We figured out the reason you are trapped in the spectral realm, you didn’t have a burial. That’s not to say you didn’t have a funeral, but your body wasn’t in the coffin. It was a very sad funeral, I was there. But damn if your family doesn’t know how to party. I found more about you and may have some leads as to how you died.
I lost twenty bucks because of your creep boyfriend. I thought he was the one who killed you, some blood ritual or something. But no, it wasn’t him he’s actually pretty cool, just bad style. Damn Gregory called it and I owe the office beers and him twenty bucks. We have a few other choice suspect we are looking into and we’ll let you know how they turn out. HQ thought it’d be a good idea if we signed each of our entries off with our names so you get to know who we are and stuff, really informal, but I don’t mind. Jimmy B. signing out.
Sup, Gregory here. Twenty bucks richer and still at a loss at to how you died. I knew your boyfriend was just a punk from the beginning. However when the team and I searched your house for clues there was soot and ash on some of your clothes in your hamper and some wiccan supplies under your bed, really? We examined the stuff, you were definitely not a real witch, just some edgy teen. I however did find some weed in your toilet tank, rookie hiding place. It’s some good stuff too.
Jimmy A logging on. We think we found your body. I say think because while it looks like you it’s, well it’s made of lettuce. A whole human body with all the correct organs, but just made out of lettuce. I can’t begin to explain it. I’ve scoured the archives and didn’t find anything. I’m just dumbfounded. Jimmy A. logging off.
Lisa here, I’m sorry your dead and stuck in limbo. But mostly sorry that you can’t talk to us. I honestly don’t understand how this spectral realm stuff works, I’m actually a therapist. One of the first to deal with spirits and the supernatural. I guess this is the kind of career you get into when your dad is a paranormal investigator and your mom is a therapist. Enough of me, I was called in today to see if I could, through therapy, help you pass into the afterlife.
Gregory chiming in, Lisa is a bit of a nut. And by a bit I mean the whole nut, shell and all. You cannot therapyize a body out of the spectral realm, it’s a hard science. She only sees you as a means to an end, to test out her hypothesis. You’ll pass on anyway when they burry your cabbage corpse. Right now we are doing an autopsy of it, nasty stuff, I will never eat a salad again.
Jimmy B here, Gregory just went full lettuce. Turns out that weed wasn’t really weed, it’s an underworld synthetic called, and I am not joking, the Devils Lettuce. Apparently it’s the only thing demons and cursed souls can get high from. It’s not an entirely Earth based substance so we think its a hybrid of Earth weed and some extraterrestrial plant, and of course lettuce. Now that we’ve got Greg’s body we’re just going to go ahead and bury your’s.
Jimmy A here, we found the demon who sold you that weed. Apparently since you couldn’t get Earth weed from a dealer you summoned a demon and sold some of your soul for weed. It explains the ashes on your clothes and the wiccan shit. If your family wants you to enter the afterlife they will have to buy your soul back. Despite being 0.001 percent of your soul it’ll cost 5000 usd to buy back, soul is a lot like cryptocurrency if you’ve ever heard of it. Jimmy A logging off.
Thank you recipient for participation. We the United States Supernatural Studies Branch, Spirit and Death Division hope you have a happy afterlife. We are not responsible for any loss in ectoplasm, dimensional dispersal, choosing the wrong religion for the afterlife, or any irreparable damage to your corpse. If you have any questions or complaints poses your nearest USPS mail person and send a letter to P.O. Box 50001 Vector Avenue.
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